Saddened, shaken

A few things have happened in the past several weeks: my husband went to the Kinus haShluchim in Crown Heights for 6 days with our rabbi, my husband came back from the kinus at a new level in his yiddishkeit, and the tragedy in Mumbai took place.

It was HARD having Soulmate gone for 6 days. We haven't been apart for more than 2 days since our wedding. It's hard being the only adult with small children. I have NO idea how single parents cope.

I was thrilled to have him return on a new level in his commitment to Torah and mitzvos (though I confess I was a little afraid he'd "frum out" and want to take things on that I'm not yet ready for - think hassidishe minhagim). I let his enthusiasm infect me and stepped up some mitzvos I had been slacking on as well like washing for bread every time, washing negel vasser, and bentching (yeah, I'm a slacker).

Then came the terror attack in Mumbai. We joined the world in saying tehillim and praying. I've never prayed so hard for anything. I made enough challah dough to take challah with a bracha. I prayed while I was kneading the dough by hand.

I know there are people out there who did much, much more.

But it wasn't enough.

I'm dumbfounded and shocked and bewildered...why? Plenty of great people have written on how we should respond to the murders in Mumbai. I can't go there yet. I'm still angry. I'm trying to channel that anger into taking on one new thing, but I'm not even there yet.

Having kids changes your whole outlook on life. You view tragedy in context and you feel the pain of the mother or father of the victim. But children also distract you. I haven't thought too much about the Holtzbergs because I've been blissfully distracted by my own two sons, baruch H-shem.

And here we are. I have nothing profound to say and no words of comfort for me or you. The world is just a little colder today.